I don't know what it is about Grey's...

I have this love/hate relationship with Grey's Anatomy. My biggest issue with that show is that it makes me think and it puts me into this philosophical mindset that gets me distracted from everything I should be doing at the moment and I always watch it at the worst times. I lost sight of things, and somehow yet again, something small reminded me of why I am where I am.

I want to help. I want to give people opportunities that they deserve, namely children because a person's education is what opens the door to more and more. I was almost denied everything I take for granted. I almost never went to college. I almost never saw what I want to do with my life. It kind of freaks me out how much my adoption gave me. And it really freaks me out how much little events in my life shaped me and pushed me forward.

I have yet to meet my biological mother, Terrie Barlar. That's truth. I don't think that I've ever heard of a more bizarre story about a reconnection of an adopted child and their biological mother. I found my adoption papers in April of my freshman year of high school. I read and reread and carried them around with me everywhere I went. That file, those 30 something papers became the most priced possession I could ever have. And after all the reading and thinking and pondering, I began to resent my biological mother and at some point I cracked and wrote a blog entry about my biological family on (this is going to sound wierd) a secret blog I had. My mom's extremely nosey and I didn't want her to find it so I thought it'd be the best thing to do since if I didn't vent in that blog I might have really cracked. And it was an angry, angry entry. It detailed everything except my biological Grandfather having cancer, and how frequently my biological mother smoked cigarettes when she was pregnant with me. And about 5 months later I received the most bizarre message and found out that my biological aunt, Kathy, had somehow found me online. I can't find the original email or blog anymore but that's what happened. Kathy emailed me and we began to talk. I thought someone was playing a prank on me and completely just sat at my computer and read a 2 sentence email for about an hour before even considering responding. It took me over 24 hours to finally respond and when I did, I sat anxiously waiting for an email back.

My sister Natalie is a freshman in high school now and she's playing volleyball and involved in the baking club at her high school. She's thinking about becoming a nurse or a doctor. Natalie unfortunately was involved in a school shooting in October that scared the crap out of me. I keep thinking how easily I almost lost my biological sister and how I lost my biological aunt Debby only five days before my aunt Kathy first contacted me. Ashley currently has a job in real estate, as a secretary, and she unforunately dropped out of TNU.

I want to finish college and become a teacher for them. I want to give every single student I ever teach everything that they deserve. And I'm scared, and exhausted, frustrated and impatient. I just want to be in a school, teaching. I am so sick of sitting in classrooms waiting and waiting for my Masters and my certification so I can go and teach children. I want to help and I want to do it now. I'm so frustrated and I can't stand it anymore. I try so hard to do well in school and at times everything just falls apart, no matter what I seem to do. People tempt and tempt me and others just make this journey a hell of a lot more difficult. And my desires to go into marketing and become the CEO of some fabulous company, to paint & work in theatres just continue to distract me. Now I have 7 hours until my history midterm. I can pump this information out in seven hours or I can sit here and continue to be impatient and frustrated. I'll write more later?...