The past month...

[a] I don't care about rumors.
[b] Boys suck, well most...
[c] No more alcohol please.
[d] School? Uhhh, about that.
[e] Theatre, theatre, theatre...
[f] I don't care about rumors.

I'm done with this whole bullshit about me and guys and alcohol and Brandon. He let my head hit the ground. I'm DONE with that situation. I feel like crap about the other one but I'm figuring that situation out. I'm done dealing with bullshit.

Rumors? You can all kiss my ass if you're gonna start rumors. Firstly, people who don't bother to get to know someone and instead just assume bullshit that they know nothing about - I don't have any desire to know y'all. Just shows what great character you have. I don't care what anyone has to say about me or what rumors or gossip they know or are going to spread.

This is me. I am a terrific, amazing person. I'm intelligent, talented, attractive, helpful & resourceful, intuitive, caring, loving, thoughtful blah blah blah and frankly the end conclusion is that I'm an amazing person and if anyone has crap to say about me, I don't care. You don't know me, so what does it honestly matter?

So, the asshole in my life. He's gone & not coming back. This is definite.

My home made ice cream now makes me sick and I don't want to see rubinoff or cranberry juice for a while. Nor do I want to drink alcohol for a while. That smell stayed with me for three whole days. What the hell?

School = numero uno. No more bullshitting things. I'm disappearing into my work for a little while.

Theatre = something I want to get involved in. I miss it, it makes me happy. End of story.




So as of right now, I've come to the conclusion that if I could man up before, I can do it now.

New Years.

So to start this off so I don't forget... My new years resolutions:

1. Go on a real date with someone new.
2. Make & save a considerable amount of money.
3. All A's (not really a resolution more of a have to).
4. Stay organized.

Now, onto the rest of everything. I've started studying for a semester that starts in 16 days. New Years this year was insanely uneventful, work 8AM-10PM, sick and asleep by 11PM. I think I'm going to go back to my history book. Later

Different things. Three Parts.

Part A: Matthew Zeller.
Four years later and I'm still feeling the same way about that whole situation. The 9th, 10th and 11th were the roughest days of this past year, yet again. It rained on the 10th, again. On Tuesday, I found the prayer card from the funeral while I was tearing apart my room and broke down. On Wednesday, when I was at work, the mom asked me the date while filling out the check and as I said December 10th, I broke down, again. On Thursday, I got an email update on his Legacy guest book and broke down, again. And then when I got too miserable to do anything I called Devin and went through everything that happened on the 10th in 2004, and broke down again. At CAMPUS, there was an acoustic guitarist/musician/singer whatever, and she sang some song that just got to me, and I broke down, again. After CAMPUS, at ND, I was telling Radu everything that happened, and I broke down, again.
I have not gotten over his death and I doubt, at this point, that I ever will. It was a tragic, horrific accident that never should have happened. Zeller was an amazing person and will always have a place in my heart.

Part B: School raped me.
No matter what the hell I do I still end up with a C+ and a B-. I'm sick of school and sick of bullshit. I hate hate hate hate hate school. I hate juggling work, social life (w/o that in college, what is the point), and my education. I have no money, very few opportunities to work, no time... I need ALL A's next semester, while taking 5 classes (20 credits). Expect to never see me next semester.

Part C: People.
I don't want the distraction anymore. :'(

Pressure.

Letting all the bullshit go. It's about time I stepped up to the plate.

The fur.

"Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

'Twas more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realize, that you don't even have to try any longer?
Do what you want to."




I miss the fur.

Thanksgiving Accident.

I feel really, really selfish. Here I am on the train delayed because someone was hit by a train and I'm bitching and complaining about the delays and how I woke up at 8AM to get this far and yet I'm not moving blah blah blah.

Jesse Tolz. Thank you for updating your Twitter with that statement about if we fasted we'd appreciate turkey day more (you get what I mean). I should be more appreciative of what I have, my life, health, not being hit by a train (ever) and my possessions etc. That I have a place to go today and people to be with. I get to do my laundry for free today and that I had the money to get on the train in the first place.

So to all of you reading this, be appreciative today. Say thank you and be kind to others. Call everyone you know who can't be with their family and invite them over for Thanksgiving. Share today with everyone you know. Like in this mornings Saved by the Bell, Kelly pointed out that Thanksgiving is about being with others and being thankful for what you do have, not wishful of what you don't have.

Can't get you out of my mind.

It's driving me insane. Just a little bit...